Cydney randomly found my twitter account and that led to her sharing her entire story with me through direct messages. I asked her if she would email me her whole story so that people could read it and realize that if they struggle with suicidal thoughts or depression, that they are not alone. Many people struggle with depression (I have also in the past) and this is just another story of saving grace. God saved Cydney and now she is using her story to influence many…including me.
“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Romans 5:8
I was born in Houston Texas on December 27th. My parents never had all the money in the world so we made do with what we had, being young it didn’t bother me too much. When I was in pre-k I remember getting made fun of because I didn’t have the Barbie cash register, every girl in school had one but me and that’s when the bullying began. I don’t think it bother me too much until I hit 4th grade because the bullying wasn’t just about the things I couldn’t afford but now it was about my appearance. I didn’t know what was going on so I told absolutely no one.
5th grade came around and it was like there was this internal switch that went off that was not allowing me to be happy anymore. That whole year I acted out because I wanted someone to notice how hurt I was. That sadness that I was feeling turned out to be depression. Then I didn’t know what it was because no one talked about it, it was like it was some forbidden secret no one wanted to bring up. I remember crying myself to sleep a lot and feeling like everyone hated me and in return I hated the world. I was so broken and honestly felt like at that point my life was never going to get better.
Fast forward to 11th grade my depression was at its highest point. I felt like my whole family was against me. I always had thoughts of, “If I was gone everyone’s life would be better.” When I was in 11th grade I became extremely suicidal and decided to try and commit suicide. It was honestly one of the hardest days of my life. My mom found me before I could even do anything. That day there was a lot of tears and yelling and I remember being more broken than ever. From that day suicide was something that I constantly thought of. I was so mad at my family, God, and the world. I grew up in church and I always heard of God’s love but I never personally felt it because I had guarded my heart from everyone and everything. That year I felt so alone and unhappy that, that summer I made a “deal” with God. My deal was if I went to summer camp and didn’t have some “huge” moment I was going to come home and kill myself. That summer I went into summer camp not really wanting some huge moment to happen because there was this big part of me that wanted to be gone. At that summer camp God showed up like never before and I felt his love and peace everywhere. I knew in that moment at a Lakewood youth summer camp that I had a purpose to be light to the women/ young girls who are hurting and who have thought their life wasn’t worth living. August 8th 2014 was the day that I chose life and not depression.
This year will be 3 years since I had that life changing moment… One scripture I choose to stand on in times of weariness is Romans 5:8. With depression comes a lot of shame and guilt I always felt like God couldn’t love someone like me, but that scripture says he still died for me knowing all the sins I would make in life. This tells me I WAS WORTH IT in church we always like to say even if I was the only person on earth Jesus would still die for me. I live life with a better outlook on life now. I no longer deal with depression, I’m not so worried what people think about me and I know I’m SOOOO LOVED by the creator of the universe. If you’re reading this I hope this encourages you to keep pushing and know that you are so loved and worth more than you think you are.